Myspace Blog - September 17 "No Sleep for the Lonely"

3am.

Awake.


Always awake at 3am. Awake in bed. Awake on my computer. Awake with a book in hand. Alone, lately.

I enjoy being alone, guys. I do. I need alone time. I crave it. But it's a fine line between enough and too much. I cross that line every other day here. I find myself counting the hours until Peter comes home from school/work, until he finishes his homework, and can call or play WoW with me. I find myself calling Alex, asking him to play WoW with me. To DO something with me.

Otherwise, I go an entire day without saying one word. Without interacting.

It's a 30-minute drive to the guys' apartment without traffic on strange roads (I don't mean unfamiliar: I mean strange) and a 30-minute drive back, in the dark, on those same strange roads. Because I don't want to drive there every day, using up my gas, straining my bank account more than necessary, I don't. So just hopping on over to the guys' isn't quite as easy/feasible as it may seem.

And I want my boyfriend to come out to visit me so we can have some alone time away from the guys. It's true; I am frustrated that he's given away his car and that we cannot spend as much time together as we would like. I respect him for giving his car to the apartment--it's so like him--but I'm much too selfish to ignore some of the repercussions of his doing so. First, it's like dating a guy who doesn't have a car all over again (*cough, cough* some of you know the fellow I'm referencing here)--my company is requested, I feel, not so much for it's own sake as for the benefit of the car which is attached to said company. Second, when I am at their apartment, Peter treats me like one of the guys. And while a nudge on the shoulder and a hefty pat on the back is good for here and there, when it comes down to it, I'm not a guy. I'm a girl. And what's more, I'm Peter's girlfriend. And while being a guy with the guys is great, I also need time to be a girl. Preferably, with Peter.

So on long days where I've applied for ten jobs and literally have nothing else I can do, I play WoW. So much WoW. I grow sad by the end of these days--not from the WoW, note. My frustrations mentioned above, though relatively microscopic, stagnate in the still pond of my life on these days till they coat everything I think and do with a thin layer of emotional slime.

And now, late at night...er, early in the morning, I am stagnating again in dread of the loneliness of tomorrow.

I just need to get a job, people.

Meanwhile, this kind of talk right here makes Peter anxious. He can't fix the problem for me, and I don't know as though he ought to fix it, even if there were a way. It just is how it is. BUCK UP, girl. As Stephanie Gill used to say, Put on the big girl panties. Grin and bear it. Take it on the chin.


Alex and I decided that I should have been a gay man--then I could live with the guys AND date Peter. So many of you just cringed. I felt it.